Lilli and Erik... two different conditions
Lilli shares from her inner world.
After a night where my parents shared their love, I embarked on my journey as a tiny cell nestled inside my mother's womb. It was a sanctuary of warmth and nourishment, where I could begin to grow. Like any seed, I needed the right environment to flourish. Consider a dandelion seed; if it lands on the hard rock of a cliff and is swept into the sea, it can't thrive. But in the rich, fertile soil of a meadow, it takes root, thrives, and passes on its legacy to future generations.
That's how my journey began. Initially conceived as a female cell, I was soon influenced by the introduction of male hormones, albeit in lesser amounts, shaping me into the girl my parents named Lilli. Meanwhile, across town, Erik was undergoing a similar journey. He received a stronger dose of male hormones, affirming his identity as a boy. Little did I know then, Erik would play a significant role in my life. We would grow to know and love each other, experience happiness and arguments, separate and reconcile, and eventually have children of our own.
For reproduction, the union of both genders is essential. Men must align with women's chemistry to facilitate the fertilisation process; a preparation supported by nature to preserve and perpetuate the human species. A prerequisite for this is the healthiest possible development of each individual, ensuring compatibility and harmony in the selection process. Nature orchestrates this process to be exciting, fun, and adventurous.
Women possess an innate ability to sense the compatibility of a man's immune system with their own, hinting at the potential for a harmonious environment conducive to new life. When men and women kiss, they engage in an unconscious exchange, assessing each other's chemistry. During ovulation, women subtly signal their receptiveness to conception through their movements, a phenomenon often perceived by men without conscious awareness. Through these subtle cues, men grasp immediate understanding, though not consciously, yet with unmistakable clarity. They also notice a woman's receptiveness when they look into her eyes. However, this recognition bypasses the mind's conscious processing, as the brain assimilates a vast array of information beyond the mind's perception. The mind perceives only 40 impulses per second, which is just seven pieces of information. But our brain processes 1.5 million impulses per second. So, the mind misses much of what the brain processes.
Therefore, love transcends mere intellect. It arises from the insights of the brain, which processes about 37 500 times as many factors as the mind. Sometimes, it is sensible to relinquish rationality and allow love to guide us, revealing the compatibility between two individuals and their potential to create a nurturing environment for new life.
Cells inherently develop as female, unless influenced by a Y chromosome in the twenty-third pair of chromosomes, leading to the formation of testicular cells responsible for testosterone production. Otherwise, ovarian cells develop, producing oestrogen. Testes, where testosterone is produced, only develop in response to a specific signal, a process that commences towards the end of the third month of pregnancy.
Every developmental process in nature is unique, resulting in a myriad of variations. Some individuals exhibit traits typically associated with the opposite gender, challenging traditional notions of identity. There are girls who receive male information and emit male signals, and there are boys in whom female information persists in the cells. There are babies whose gender is unknown, and babies who have both genders.
As children grow, their self-perceptions evolves, with some boys feeling more aligned with femininity, and vice versa. Love transcends conventional boundaries, with men loving men and women loving women. Boys want to be girls, and girls want to be boys. Boys cry and find it unbearable when they are not allowed to wear dresses at kindergarten, and some girls only feel comfortable when they have short hair, leading everyone else to believe they are a boy. The father of a transvestite once told me, 'I was never afraid he would become gay. He always was!' It is a spectrum where individuals find their place, expressing themselves authentically without constraint.
My journey unfolded as I embraced my identity as a girl, while Erik embraced his as a boy. I was fortunate with my parents because my dad loves my mom deeply and took excellent care of her during pregnancy. Surely, he faced challenges too, but he concealed them from Mom as best he could. He understood that Mom's emotional state also influences my brain's development. When Mom was well and happy, she had happiness hormones in her bloodstream, which reached my body through the umbilical cord and began shaping my sense of security.
Nature endows us with various fears as we enter the world, all designed to safeguard our existence. We instinctively recoil when objects fall towards us, freeze in the presence of a raised snake, or retreat from spiders. Each response serves a vital purpose: to evade potential harm from a falling tree, venomous creatures like snakes and spiders. Nature does not leave these fears to chance; it ingrains them into our brains from birth. However, for these fears to manifest, they must be triggered. Witnessing fear in our mother's expression just once is sufficient to activate our innate 'fear program,' initiating our own apprehension.
In rhesus monkeys, it has been observed that the young monkey must have witnessed the mother's fear of the snake at least once to develop its own fear of snakes. If the young monkey did not have this opportunity, perhaps due to the mother's absence, it becomes vulnerable to the deadly predator, as it fails to flee when encountering a snake.
We evidently carry within us templates of threatening grimaces to swiftly interpret others' expressions. These templates depict the depths of malevolence. When the brain scans another person's face, it compares it with stored prototypes. The further the perceived face deviates from these templates or prototypes, the more sympathetic our counterpart appears to us. In this way, nature ensures that we promptly recognise malevolence and then allow ourselves to be convinced of benevolence. Thus, many fears are ingrained in us, triggered by the fears of our environment and parents.
Indeed, I was fortunate that my dad took excellent care of my mom during her pregnancy, shielding her from troubles. Both my parents were raised in nurturing environments, with a genetic predisposition for comfort ingrained in their DNA. Having experienced their own fears and learned to nurture their emotional well-being, they passed on a sense of security to me. Throughout the nine months of pregnancy, I was enveloped in a nurturing environment rich in positive neurotransmitters, shaping my brain's capacity for well-being.
Occasionally, there were disagreements or loud noises, and I noticed my mom's distress when something broke. These experiences taught me that loud noises could be frightening and arguments upsetting. However, everything would eventually return to normal. Mom and dad always reconciled with a hug, and if something broke, they repaired it. This was reassuring. It was crucial for me to understand sadness to empathise with others, to learn that reconciliation is possible, and that a hug releases positive hormones that restore love and connection.
However, Erik's situation was unlike mine. His mother once experienced a profound love during her youth, but her partner eventually departed for a job overseas, leading to their gradual estrangement. By the time she was 22, she found herself alone and deeply saddened, yearning for paternal care she had never known due to her absent father.
During this period of grief and insecurity, she met Erik's father. He struggled to cope with her emotional needs during her pregnancy, often expressing frustration through shouting and violence. Erik's mother lived in constant fear of his outbursts, and the stress and trauma she experienced affected Erik even in the womb. Consequently, fear and violence became a part of Erik's everyday life, with his stress responses constantly activated and unable to calm down.
Meanwhile, my mother's serene state allowed me to thrive as a developing ovarian cell within her womb. Sheltered from the external world, I flourished in her nurturing environment. Inside her womb, my nerve cells multiplied, continuously absorbing new information to enrich my growing consciousness. Limbs began to form, embryonic movements stirring within my developing frame by eight weeks. These movements soon became visible from the outside, a testament to the rapid pace of my growth. Each emerging ability built upon the foundation of those before it, a seamless progression unfolding with every passing hour. Initially a slender tube, my brain gradually thickened, eventually maturing into my spinal cord. In the anterior region of this burgeoning structure, clusters of nerve cells congregated, laying the groundwork for the intricate network of my developing brain. It was remarkable to witness how each subsequent development seamlessly built upon the patterns established by its predecessors, guiding the course of my ongoing growth.